I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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