New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
