i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have fence marks all over my body
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
