im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
