Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize