just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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