This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
