My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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