my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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