You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
