He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
