oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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