I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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