Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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