Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
organizing the empties. That sober.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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