my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
