Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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