i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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