I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
