the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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