Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
