I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
