You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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