got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
