What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
