If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
