i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
