tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
