We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
