i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
