you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
