If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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