I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
