Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
