Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
