seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
