I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
