Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
