She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize