I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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