watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
