Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
