4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
