Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
