im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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