it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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