I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
