I faked an abortion last night.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
