She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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