From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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