Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
