i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
