how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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