There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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