Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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