see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
