You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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