I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
