my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
