Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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